At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
