I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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