hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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