Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
