Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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