Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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