wanna go halves on a baby?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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