I just saw a hot homeless man
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
