I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it was like eating out sand paper
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We're too hungover to prance.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
