I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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