Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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