Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
