does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
