my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
