Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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