Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
