Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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