Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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