I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
