There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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