If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i was born a porn star she said
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
