She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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