i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
