Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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