I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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