I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize