also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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