Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
