I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
