i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
