btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
