Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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