people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
