Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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