There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
