I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
vagina is talking i cant
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
