Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
