Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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