my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
