the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
