Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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