All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Randomize
