i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
