someone threw a dead crab at me
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
there is glitter all over my balls
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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