I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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