He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
