just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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