fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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