Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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