I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
