new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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